Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Scariest Job Opportunities Have Been Found... Which One Would you Choose?

If you are ever at a job fair and hear this pitch, run for the hills. 

It's a perfect example of big industries that have tunnel vision, choosing not to acknowledge or be responsible for the side effects of their businesses.

Newscaster 1: The Keystone Pipeline.
Newscaster 2: This pipeline which goes from Canada to the Gulf Coast.
Newscaster 3: Expected to create 2,200 jobs.
Newscaster 4: As many as 50,000 direct jobs
Newscaster 1: More than 250,000 permanent jobs could provide up to a million new high-paying jobs.
Newscaster 5: And here in Richmond, Calif., Chevron is pushing for the Keystone XL Pipeline, but residents are wondering just what types of jobs are these oil companies creating.
T.J. Thompson: Who wants a job? Who needs job? Come on down to Keystone XL where the job opportunities are extra large.You, sir! You look like a hardworking man. Yeah. How would you like a good job in a fast growing industry?
Daryl Jones: Man, I love a good job. Sign a brother up. What's the gig?
T.J. Thompson: I'm glad you asked. The name is T.J. Thompson.
Daryl Jones: Daryl Jones
T.J. Thompson: Alright, Daryl, now we are cooking. We here at Keystone XL are building this new oil pipeline and we are creating thousands of middle class, good paying jobs right here in the good old U.S. of A.
Daryl Jones: So, what's the job?
T.J. Thompson: Well, here is the deal. In this industry things can get a little messy sometimes. Like they say "When there’s drilling, there's spilling." That means a huge market for our brand new job possibility. Daryl, how would you like to join our Department of Wildlife Beautification.
Daryl Jones: The job is cleaning oil off animals?
T.J. Thompson: Pretty exciting, I know. Thesis a field with serious growth potential. You might start off scrubbing oil off a pelican, a dolphin but I you work hard, one day you might be scrubbing oil off an endangered species. I'm talking baby turtles.
Daryl Jones: I don’t know, man. I'm actually vegetarian.
T.J. Thompson: OK, so, animals aren’t your thing. Maybe you'd like more of an office job, working from home?
Daryl Jones: Yeah, now that can definitely work.
T.J. Thompson: Alright, well, this next job is for someone who has a real understanding of the world.
Daryl Jones: That’s me.
T.J. Thompson: When we build this pipeline it’s going to go through several Indian, I mean, Native American, reservations; reservations with treaty rights.
Daryl Jones: So, I'll be renegotiating treaties?
T.J. Thompson: No, you'd be eliminating them. Your title would be Document Simplification Specialist. What better way of simplifying something than by getting rid of it! you join Keystone XL and you’ll be shredding all sorts of documents: The Bill of Rights.
Daryl Jones: Wait a minute.
T.J. Thompson: The Kyoto Protocol, "The Lorax."
Daryl Jones: You're going to shred "The Lorax"? I remember reading that to my son.
T.J. Thompson: That’s funny, I remember you saying you needed a job. Didn’t matter which job it was, just any job. Am I right?
Daryl Jones: No. See—
T.J. Thompson: Right. We here at Keystone provide jobs to help people live better. Take our health care division. When we build this pipeline the air might get a little dirty. Some people might start coughing.
Daryl Jones: Are you talking asthma? Yeah, we know all about that arrangement.
T.J. Thompson: I'm talking bigger than asthma, Daryl.
Daryl Jones: Bigger?
T.J. Thompson: I'm talking cancer! When people get cancer, they get chemo. When they get chemo, they go bald and when they go bald, they are going to need your services as—
Daryl Jones: A wig maker? You lost your damn mind?
T.J. Thompson: No, but these people have lost their hair and like they say: "Nothing pays like a nice toupee."
Daryl Jones: I don’t even know what to say right now.
T.J. Thompson: I know what you are thinking. Wig making for cancer survivors, isn’t that a little insensitive?
Daryl Jones: You think?
T.J. Thompson: Well, we here at Keystone are very sensitive to all our community's hair restoration needs. That’s why our wigs come in all different cultural styles. Look! We even have a wig for your people! Try it on.
Daryl Jones: Don’t even think about it.
T.J. Thompson: Come on. I know you want to.
Daryl Jones: I said I'm good.
T.J. Thompson: Okay, Okay, I'll put it on. See, if I was wearing this around town, no one would even know I had cancer.
Daryl Jones: This is crazy. I'm outta here.
T.J. Thompson: Wait, wait, Daryl, Daryl. I can tell that you are a man of vision. Well, there's one job that we don’t offer to just anybody. Let me ask you, have you ever dreamt about a galaxy far, far away?
Daryl Jones: An astronaut? Man, When I was a little kid, I always imagined flying into outer space, walking on the moon. Wait, what's the catch? Why are you hiring astronauts?
T.J. Thompson: Come on, you’ve seen the news; mega hurricanes, super typhoons, ice caps melting faster than a popsicle on the goddamn Fourth of July.
Daryl Jones: That’s hot.
T.J. Thompson: When we release all that tar sands oil, it's going to be like a carbon bomb exploding. Just because we built the bomb doesn’t mean we want to be here when the thing goes off, right?
Daryl Jones: So, you're going to destroy the planet then fly to outer space?
T.J. Thompson: Uh-huh, we want to hire you as an intergalactic pilgrim.
Daryl Jones: Pilgrim?
T.J. Thompson: Just think about it. you would explore the universe, colonize new planets. Do you like "Star Wars"?
Daryl Jones: Uh-huh.
T.J. Thompson: You could be a Jedi.
Daryl Jones: A Jedi. No, this is more like some Darth Vader type shit.
T.J. Thompson: Hey, but when Darth Vanderbilt the Death Star, he did create a lot of jobs, right?
Daryl Jones: What? I thought this was going to be construction, actually building a pipeline.
T.J. Thompson: That’s just a few months, just couple hundred jobs. But when we build it, these jobs will be needed forever. So, what do you say, Daryl, are you ready to join the team here at Keystone XL?
Daryl Jones: You know, what? I think I could find something better for me than this. You keep your space pilgrim. I'm going to stay here with my people on earth.
There may be small errors in this transcript.

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